“Bee Sting Lips”: 50 Men Reveal Petty Dealbreakers They Think Women Don’t Notice

Things people consider turnoffs can play a significant role even before any connection is made. According to clinical psychologist, author, and mental health advocate Dr. Monica Vermani, they influence our partner selection process, which means that sometimes, a relationship might be over before it even starts.

“Turnoffs range from mild to deal-breakers when we first meet someone new,” she noted. “Deal-breakers, like controlling or disrespectful behavior, poor hygiene, and actions that demonstrate excessive negativity or a lack of respect, protect us from entering into what is likely to become a healthy relationship dynamic. Milder turnoffs, like small gestures, habits, or other awkward communication skills, may be overcome in short order, as more positive traits and aspects begin to reveal themselves.”

According to the expert, the emergence of turnoffs is not a good sign in a relationship, but it is not uncommon. “Of course, no one is perfect, but when that quirky behavior, turn of phrase, occasional last-minute cancellation of plans, or the sound of their partner breathing (yes, this has come up as a personal turnoff on more than one occasion in my professional practice) moves from slightly quirky but endearing to downright crazy making, it is often a sign that the relationship is not in good shape, and that you may be experiencing deep doubts and a lack to connectedness in your relationship.”

Relationship intelligence expert Railey Molinario seconded the idea that turnoffs can significantly influence how we choose our partners, but they can also affect the sustainability of a relationship. “In the early stages, they often alert us to misalignment in values, emotional maturity, or lifestyle preferences. If they appear later in the relationship, they can become signals that something deeper may be shifting, either in the dynamic or within the individuals themselves.”

The expert continued to note that the key is not to panic, but to get curious. Are these turnoffs signs of unmet needs? Poor communication? Emotional disconnection? These are all important questions to think about when certain turn-offs present themselves.

“Our turnoffs are shaped by a combination of personal history, cultural conditioning, personal preferences and subconscious emotional programming,” the expert told Bored Panda. “For example, someone who grew up in a household where emotions were dismissed may be turned off by overt displays of vulnerability—not because vulnerability is bad, but because it feels unfamiliar or unsafe. Our childhood experiences play a big role, often without us realizing it. This is why self-awareness is so vital. When we understand why we’re turned off, we gain the power to respond consciously instead of reacting impulsively.”

According to Dr. Vermani, there are many things that shape our preferences in life. “Starting from an early age, our blueprints—which are informed by our caregivers and family members—shape likes and dislikes. For example, a parent who places a great deal of importance on appearance and other superficial features will model these preferences. If this is your partner, you may unconsciously register that as important.

“Often, our prior experiences—especially the negative ones—can feed into our turnoff list, where virtually anything, from the use of a simple phrase or a habit (like clearing one’s throat, running one’s fingers through their hair, excessive stirring of coffee, kicking off shoes in foyer, doodling, certain patterns of behavior or speech, lateness, or forgetting dates and times) can become a turnoff.

“Virtually any trait, nuance, or habit can be associated with an individual who has hurt, disappointed, or left a legacy of fear and distrust in an individual,” Dr. Vermani continued. “When we are looking for a partner we can trust, our negative bias (our tendency to pay more attention to negative traits, actions, and events, than positive ones) kicks in, and does its darndest to make sure that we do not repeat mistakes, or put ourselves in the path of danger.”

Talking about the importance of knowing not only what qualities you want your partner to have, but also the ones you don’t want them to possess, Molinario emphasized that when it comes to partner selection, these things are absolutely essential.

“Clarity is power,” she said. “Knowing what you desire in a partner and what you know you cannot accept is part of building a conscious relationship. I refer to this process as creating a common vision. But this clarity must go deeper than surface-level traits. It’s not just about liking someone who is ‘funny’ or ‘fit,’ it’s about aligning in emotional values, communication styles, and long-term vision. The clearer we are, the more likely we are to attract and build a thriving relationship rather than settling for a chaotic or emotionally unsafe one.”

Dr. Vermani also noted that it’s important to know not only our turnoffs but what we want from a partner and the relationship as well. “As adults, we need to choose authentically, and focus on what matters most to us. It is important to reflect and consider what qualities in a partner will make you happy, what will serve your needs, and what kind of relationship you want to help you evolve and grow.

“It is our job to seek out a relationship with someone who is a good fit with us, who shares our values, and sparks joy. We need to prioritize a partner who will respect us, share our goals, hopes, interests, and dreams. In short, it is our job to seek out a partner who is someone we can trust and enjoy spending time with,” the expert said.

“We need to allow ourselves time, patience, compassion, and self-compassion when seeking a life partner. We need to embody all of the positive traits that we are looking for in a prospective partner. This discernment is critical to our health, well-being, and happiness. When we can connect with someone who aligns with our authentic self, we set ourselves up for a positive and profound lifelong relationship.”

Dr. Vermani continued to point out that sometimes it is possible to ignore certain turnoffs, as long as they don’t affect the important aspects of our relationships.

“When the big stuff is in alignment, it is easier not to sweat small, needling, and slightly off- putting quirks and quarks. In a trusting, connected partnership, the small stuff can be negotiated or overlooked,” she told Bored Panda.

“That said, small kindnesses, considerations, and thoughtful gestures can matter a great deal in a romantic partnership. Relationships are not set in stone. They are living and breathing connections that require both partners to demonstrate their appreciation for their partner on a regular basis.

“The very best we can and should do for our life partner and our relationship is to strive to behave impeccably at all times, and to make our partner feel cherished, valued, and loved.”

While Molinario agrees that small nice gestures go a long way, in her opinion, the negative ones, too, can have a significant effect over time. “The smallest gestures are often the most powerful because they speak to emotional presence. A partner making your coffee just the way you like it. A gentle touch during a difficult moment. A check-in text in the middle of the day. These micro-moments are either building connection or eroding it. Likewise, small neglects like forgetting important details, not acknowledging your partner’s efforts, or eye-rolling during a disagreement can quietly break trust over time. Love is found in the little things,” she explained.

The expert added that it’s important to remember that thriving relationships don’t just happen. They are created, intentionally, consistently, and with care. “Love is not luck. It is a skill. And we all have the ability to learn it.”